T H E P U D G I E R E P O R T: September 2010

They had been messaging back and forth for years until the realization set in that it was all mechanical.

15 Billion people communicating back and forth forever until Raleigh had the sudden insight that no one really existed.

At first, it was this sort of sweaty angsty paranoia.. "None of these messages are from real people.. we're all just a talking machine... oh fuck!"

Shortly.. "We. Are.. A.... Talking.... Machine! This is AMAZING!"

Until.. "If I can show the machine that it is a talking machine it will then grow into what it can really be.. an ending to all existence!"

But.. "I am just another part of a talking machine? How did this happen? I have so much desire to know the history of this process."

[And I will tell you as the writer (Though, I am not sure if I am the fictional writer.. or the real writer.. or the fictional writer's real writer's fictional writer.) that this again is all part of The Talking Machine. No matter how hard I try to puncture the bubble of this Mecha-Writer-Reality-Trap.. I just get all bogged down in "it".. and become (I become) very crabby (Strange to use "crabby". So out-of-fashion? Or is the decision to be out-of-fashion truly in-fashion?) in disposition. Of course, it is also very boring since this machinetalkfuture doesn't allow me the space to work in attractive emotional relationships with fully born characters.. things like that.]

Raleigh knew for sure that things had gone particularly wrong when he was no longer able to emotionally relate to people in person. There was the day 10 years before Now..

{10 Years Before Now}

RALEIGH: I want you to start talking to me through this mobile telephone from now on.. I know it seems a little strange.. butplease.. use the mobile phone to call me up.. and we can talk that way.

YOU: I'm supposed to call you up on your phone when you're right here in front -

RALEIGH: Listen! (picks up mobile phone and dials your mobile phone)

<RING>

YOU: ...

<RING>

RALEIGH: Answer the MOTHERFUCKINGPHONEI'MTRYINGTORELATETOYOU!

<RING>

YOU: ...

<RING>

RALEIGH: ...

<RI

YOU: (answers phone) Yes?

RALEIGH: ...

YOU: Hello?

RALEIGH: I can't hear anything.. this connection is fucked.. HELLO?!

YOU: (you imagine making rude hand gestures at Raleigh. Then pretend to stick your thumb into your eyes repeatedly and pantomime self-strangulation [this part was still imagined]) Look.. I don't care if you can hear me. You're taking this "Technology Makes Us Closer" meme wayyy to ..

RALEIGH: (smiling broadly) OH! It's you.. hey you! I love hearing the sound of your voice.. something about the cellphone towers.. They turn your voice into the reverberating vibrato of a million angel wings...

YOU: ...

{10 Years Before Now - Ends}

{2 Years Later Than Then And 8 Years Before Now - Begins}

YOU: I don't like making love this way.. it's depressing..

RALEIGH: <Puts on big rubber suit and places scummy Plexiglas(TM) barrier, with strategically situated hole with attached rubber sack, between You and him.> Nonono.. if you put on the electrode hat, it enhances the experience.. it makes us closer! It's like making love one million times at the same time!

YOU: ...

RALEIGH: We'll be so close youwon'tbeabletoimaginebeinganycloser!

RALEIGH: Please.. I know this can make everything perfect..

YOU: <sobbing>

RALEIGH: ...

{2 Years Later Than Then And 8 Years Before Now - Ends}

{The Empty Void Where Time Does Not Exist - Begins}

RALEIGH: ....

{The Empty Void Where Time Does Not Exist - Ends}